Adulthood: Portal of Darkness

I wish I could say that this post is a happy, go-lucky update to my life post graduation. But it isn’t.

Since graduating from college, I’ve worked a minimum wage job at a company that couldn’t decide whether or not they wanted to promote me, and when they did, just took advantage of my dedication and work ethic. I’ve been scared by the thought of paying back my student loans with the money that I don’t make, and what money I do make goes to taxes, bills, and the little I have left to live on. This is what they were talking about when they talk about the starving artist. I’m not starving, thankfully, but I’m struggling mentally.

I’ve been away from performing for what seems like a lifetime already, and the days only drag on at my “survival” gig, which is slowly but surely turning more permanent by the minute. I’ve struggled with getting up in the morning to go to work, basically a walking corpse who knows way too much about leggings. I did find an agent all on my own, with my own talent leading the way on that one, so that’s a positive that has come since graduation.

I don’t mean to keep this sad and depressing, but I think it’s important to talk about things that make us upset. I’m upset that my passion in life was basically done and over with school. I’m upset that I spent so much money getting a piece of paper that says I have all these qualifications, and I’m being forced to work in a place that is draining every creative cell out of my body each day that I’m there. I’m upset that life has worked out this way and that I didn’t take the easy way out. I’m upset that an 18 year old has the power to sign a loan without fully understanding the consequences because she lives in a country where the only value to having an education is the dollar sign you wear on your back.

Life after college was supposed to be filled with excitement and less stress, however, the only thing I’ve seen are anxiety attacks and angry customers when I won’t take back a pair of leggings that are six months old.

Maybe I just had too much hope for life, maybe it really is just about paying bills until you die. But one thing this country has shown me in recent days is that no matter how bad it has gotten, it can always get worse. I used to believe that I was a “glass half-full” type of gal, however, that is far from the truth right now. Every creative outlet I have ever had was connected back to my acting career— my website, my blog, my podcast, my writing, my voice, my character portrayal. I’ve found that living in your twenties isn’t supposed to be fun anymore, as you basically just need to learn how to survive and that’s it.

To say I’m disappointed is an understatement, however, I’m learning to be hopeful again. I’m trying to regain that confidence that I once had, to be able to project it as far as I did before the smack of reality grazed my face. I’m trying to find the joy in working 40+ hours a week just to see my paycheck be half gone before it even deposits into the bank. I’m trying to put practices into play so that I’m not so exhausted every single day, something that I can be excited about. I reached the point of burnout a long time ago, and now it feels like I’m riding that wave to the very end before it even thinks about getting any better. I’m disappointed in myself for allowing my mental state to get this bad, considering I have done nothing to combat these feelings for months and whatever motivation I can grasp is usually torn to shreds by the customers that scream at me for doing my job. PS- People who work in customer service are warriors. We’re allowed to be in bad moods too, damn.

I guess I wanted to write this because I’ve been feeling lost and spiraling through this dark hole that is adulthood, and it just sucks you further and further down into a place that you have to desperately pull your way out of. I wanted others to know that they aren’t alone. College and school and homework is part of who we are as students for so much of our lives, and when we actually have to go somewhere we don’t like, because if we don’t we won’t be able to survive, it’s a feeling unlike any other. It’s a feeling of stubbing your toe on the doorframe and being surrounded by small children and you can’t curse like you want to. It’s the feeling of your blood boiling because you can’t stand that one really annoying guy who can’t take the fucking hint. It’s the feeling of an entire identity crisis that you’re too young for (according to our predecessors).

So, you’re not alone because I’m there too. Stressed, mentally unavailable, swamped by student debt, spiraling downwards into the dark portal of nothing. I wanted this to be a motivational piece, but I can’t bring myself to lie about something as serious as this. Graduating college is great. Surviving afterwards, not so much.

We can survive, we have to.

Frankie